During my time as a Convention Services Manager, I received a few requests that seemed to defy the laws of time and space to accommodate the event’s needs. I’m sure most of us, at one time or another, have received emails joking about our jobs. The following is one of my favorites (I wish I knew who wrote this!), and I am sure that many of us who have worked at venues can appreciate the following monologue. For you planners out there, don’t try these things with your contact at the hotel or convention center!
I am an event coordinator.
I have unlimited resources at my disposal.
I always keep at least ten meeting rooms under my desk, as it is policy here to automatically make reservations and tee-times for your Board of Directors when you sign the contract.
I can make any meeting rooms larger or smaller, depending on your needs. I naturally remove my supporting pillars from your meeting space and will install windows in every room as needed. The “Ocean View” is not scheduled to arrive until the second day of your program for which I most sincerely apologize – however we will move the convention center two feet to the left to accommodate your request by the end of your session today.
I can only throw myself on your mercy and grovel at your feet – I completely agree that it is inconceivable that we should have any other groups booked into our facility during your program – your additional breakout rooms that you added this morning should be built no later than Wednesday.
Naturally, it will be no problem to turn your plenary session for 600-classroom style into a hollow square for 130 with rear-screen projection, simultaneous Japanese translation and satellite hook-up during your 15-minute coffee break. Unfortunately, however, due to space constraints, and the fact that your final program bears no resemblance whatsoever to your contracted space, we will have to suspend your lunch buffet from the ceiling above your plenary session, then suck the gravity out of the ballroom.
We have located the boxes that you sent last month, under your mother’s maiden name to the hotel down the street, and again, apologize for not having found them sooner.
In answer to all your questions, it is of course, understood that I am telepathically aware of all your speakers’ requirements and will set up an overhead, LCD panel, dual slide projectors, two screens, laser pointer, podium microphones, two tabletop microphones, podium knock-out switch, timer, and blue M&Ms in each room, at no charge, just in case. Additionally, it goes without saying that an AV tech, engineer, baby-sitter, and I will be underneath your head table for the duration of your event in case you need anything else.
Finally, two more things you might want to share with your group: (1) The ladies’ room is the one with the ladies on the sign. The men’s room is the – well, you get the point. (2) We will automatically adjust the temperature in the room every 15 minutes so please don’t bother asking. In addition, at this time let me thank you for choosing our convention center.
It has been great to work with you and I can’t wait to see you again…in HELL!!!