As I was growing up, I remember watching scenes on television of people traveling on airplanes that seemed to make it very glamorous. In the last 12 months, I have been on planes nearly 50 times and can most assuredly guarantee you that it is not glamorous.  It really may have been at one time, but nowadays it is anything but.  Unfortunately, over the past year, I have developed some pet peeves about being on an airplane or in an airport.

• Are there really any adults that don’t know how to fasten and unfasten a seat belt?
• I was lucky enough to fly business class on a trip to Barcelona and was somewhat surprised when I was the only one boarding the plane when business class was announced.  I was even more surprised, upon boarding the plane, when I discovered that every other business class passenger went on during pre-boarding.  Just because you spent the extra dollars for a business or first class ticket, you are not that special than those that truly need the extra time…
• When getting out of your seat for the fifth time to head up to the lavatory, how about pushing up from the armrests on both sides of you, rather than grabbing the seat in front of you where I am trying to read.  If you insist on grabbing the seat, just grab it and not my hair (I need to keep what I have left). Also, try gently releasing the seat back, rather than just letting go and catapulting me forward two rows.
• After I turn down the offer of peanuts from the flight attendant, don’t ask them if you can have mine in addition to yours.
• If you fly Southwest Airlines, understand their boarding procedures and don’t act surprised that the three of you probably won’t be sitting together when you get on the plane in boarding group C.
• If you press the call attendant button more than twice on a flight, federal marshals should be allowed to take you into custody.
• You are allowed to take two carry-on bags onto the plane.  Learn how to count and stop at two.
• I understand the desire to carry on your luggage to avoid the fees that some airlines charge (hey, check out Southwest….) but they really should fit in the overhead bins and not be the size of my Mini Cooper car.
• Learn how to walk down the aisle of the airplane without hitting every person sitting in an aisle seat with your carry-on luggage.
• When they told you five minutes ago that all electronic devices needed to be turned off, that was your clue to end the cellphone conversation.
• While walking through the airport concourse with your rolling luggage, walk in a straight line rather that weaving about like a navy ship trying to avoid a submarine attack.
• Don’t be complaining about the delay at security screening checkpoints and then have to take items out of four different bags when you get to the x-ray machine.
• TSA, I am sorry but I am still not convinced that a small jar of Jif Extra-Crunchy Peanut Butter is a liquid.  You might have convinced me if you were able to pour it out.
• If you are going to rip pages out of the in-flight magazine, just take the copy with you when you arrive rather than leaving the remnants behind for the next passenger.
• Last time I checked, all U.S. currency contains the statement that “This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private,” yet most airlines won’t accept it when I want to have an adult beverage.   I’m thinking class-action lawsuit on this one….

My friend, Bill Geist, has posted a series of Air Laws over on his excellent blog that you really should check out if you have any interest in tourism and destination marketing.

What have I missed?  Feel free to add to this list by making a comment below!

Enjoy your flight! As they say as you are deplaning, buh-bye!

Today would have been the 99th birthday for Lindley Jones, although most folks know him as Spike Jones.

Sometime while I was in middle school, I first heard the song Cocktails for Two by Spike and his City Slickers Band. I was hooked! Over the course of time, I became introduced to many other of his classics: Yes, We Have No Bananas, William Tell Overture, Hawaiian War Chant, Flight of the Bumblebee, and You Always Hurt the One You Love.

Later on, I was able to find the pictured record album and two VCR tapes that have been viewed too many times over the years. Spike passed away in 1965, but left a huge musical “legacy.”

Let’s take a look at one of his performances, shall we?

Last month, I was able to participate in my first Familiarization Trip, more commonly referred to as a FAM Trip. Now, I had participated in many FAMs before, but always as a host at a venue. This time around, I was a potential client and was on the receiving end of many meals and amenities.  I think I gained about  pounds during my trip. You’ll be reading more about this FAM trip in a future post.

After having a site visit and lunch with one of the facilities on the the tour, one of the other FAM trip attendees commented that everything seemed flawless and very well done. My reaction was that they are trying to impress us in hopes of doing business with us and that everything should be perfect. If it wasn’t perfect, I would be very worried. Seriously, if a venue can’t get it right during a site visit designed to impress, would you trust them with your event?

On the flight back home, I recalled the following joke and it really drives the point home.  Again, I wish I knew who was the original author of this piece, but it is a classic.

One day, a meeting planner dies. She goes to Heaven and is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says, “Things are a bit overcrowded here, so God is letting everyone make up there mind to either stay here or to stay in Hell. Tomorrow you get to visit Hell, and the next day you will visit Heaven. After your visits, you can have a day to make up your mind as to where you wish to spend eternity.”

The meeting planner agreed.

The next day, she was off to visit Hell. She was picked up in Purgatory by a Hummer stretch limo, greeted by a hunk of a man wearing nothing but a tight pair of jeans and whisked away. In the limo, there was every type of alcohol available, chocolates, the finest food, and a place to get a pedicure. She was impressed! Upon arriving in Hell, she had the red carpet rolled out for her, carried into her hotel as if she was Cleopatra, and the room was covered in roses. She thought to herself, this is AMAZING!! That night, she was treated to the finest food, wine and music, and danced with all the hot men in Hell. She was draped in furs, Vera Wang clothing and Ferragamo shoes. She never wanted to leave.

She awoke the next morning in Purgatory, and there was a black Lincoln town car there to pick her up to take her to Heaven. Once there, the door was opened, and an angel showed her around. She thought to herself, “This place is BORING! Who would want to stay here? It’s clean and quiet, but forever being this quiet?” After her tour, St. Peter walked up to her and asked, “We’ll be having dinner at 5PM over at the Angel cafeteria.  What do you think of Heaven so far?”  The meeting planner said, “Can I go ahead and make up my mind now?”  St. Peter replied, “Why, yes.  But I really think you need a night to sleep on it; this is a very big decision.” The meeting planner replied, “Yes, and Heaven is very…heavenly.  But I have decided I would like to go back to Hell.”  St. Peter let out a grunt in disgust and said, “So it shall be.”  And with a blink of his eyes, she was back in Hell.

This time, it was filthy, hot, smelly, and she was in rags. Everyone was crying or screaming.  She was frightened and scared. She walked up to one of the head Spawns there, and said, “What happened? When I was here, it was beautiful, paradise! Now, it stinks, and it’s hot, and I’m wearing rags! What happened?” The Spawn replied, “Yesterday was the site inspection, and today you signed the contract!”

I was working around Casa De Ruby over the weekend and had my television on in the background.  I was amazed to hear the song Rocket Man by the character of Stewie Griffin on the show Family Guy.  Even more amazing to me was that they were doing a parody of a version of the song that was done by William Shatner in the mid 1970′s.  I freely admit that I absolutely LOVE campy music videos.  Unfortunately, the Family Guy version has been removed from YouTube, but let’s take a quick peek at the version done by Shatner -

As I mentioned earlier, I love campy music.  Shatner has done some other musical work.  Two songs – Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds and Mr. Tambourine Man – were chosen by Rhino Records for their collection called Golden Throats.  For you Star Trek fans out there, Golden Throats includes two songs by Shatner’s tag team partner, Mr. Spock, aka Leonard Nimoy.

During my time as a Convention Services Manager, I received a few requests that seemed to defy the laws of time and space to accommodate the event’s needs.  I’m sure most of us, at one time or another, have received emails joking about our jobs.  The following is one of my favorites (I wish I knew who wrote this!), and I am sure that many of us who have worked at venues can appreciate the following monologue.  For you planners out there, don’t try these things with your contact at the hotel or convention center!

I am an event coordinator.

I have unlimited resources at my disposal.

I always keep at least ten meeting rooms under my desk, as it is policy here to automatically make reservations and tee-times for your Board of Directors when you sign the contract.

I can make any meeting rooms larger or smaller, depending on your needs.  I naturally remove my supporting pillars from your meeting space and will install windows in every room as needed.  The “Ocean View” is not scheduled to arrive until the second day of your program for which I most sincerely apologize – however we will move the convention center two feet to the left to accommodate your request by the end of your session today.

I can only throw myself on your mercy and grovel at your feet – I completely agree that it is inconceivable that we should have any other groups booked into our facility during your program – your additional breakout rooms that you added this morning should be built no later than Wednesday.

Naturally, it will be no problem to turn your plenary session for 600-classroom style into a hollow square for 130 with rear-screen projection, simultaneous Japanese translation and satellite hook-up during your 15-minute coffee break.  Unfortunately, however, due to space constraints, and the fact that your final program bears no resemblance whatsoever to your contracted space, we will have to suspend your lunch buffet from the ceiling above your plenary session, then suck the gravity out of the ballroom.

We have located the boxes that you sent last month, under your mother’s maiden name to the hotel down the street, and again, apologize for not having found them sooner.

In answer to all your questions, it is of course, understood that I am telepathically aware of all your speakers’ requirements and will set up an overhead, LCD panel, dual slide projectors, two screens, laser pointer, podium microphones, two tabletop microphones, podium knock-out switch, timer, and blue M&Ms in each room, at no charge, just in case.  Additionally, it goes without saying that an AV tech, engineer, baby-sitter, and I will be underneath your head table for the duration of your event in case you need anything else.

Finally, two more things you might want to share with your group: (1) The ladies’ room is the one with the ladies on the sign. The men’s room is the – well, you get the point.  (2) We will automatically adjust the temperature in the room every 15 minutes so please don’t bother asking. In addition, at this time let me thank you for choosing our convention center.

It has been great to work with you and I can’t wait to see you again…in HELL!!!